Overeasy Eggs And Withdrawals

Why oh why do I let myself get like this? I don't sleep at night, whether I'm sick or not, and then I start thinking about things. Stupid things. Dangerous things. Things I haven't done in a long time. Things that I don't ever want to do again, but things I know I may have to do.

I've made decisions. Sacrifices. Long journeys. All to get to where I am now. But where am I? I'm in the gutter once again. I'm a college drop out. I'm a cutter who can't seem to recover. I'm a suicidal bitch that everyone pretends to like, but nobody really wants to be with. I'm a sad excuse for a girlfriend. I'm homeless. I'm jobless. And I'm lonely.

But this isn't really true, is it? No... I dropped out because I hated my course and I was failing anyways. I can recover, but I can't do it alone (and I have someone helping me). People to like me, and people do want to spend time with me. I'm not a suicidal bitch, I'm just depressed and bitchy (big difference there). I only feel like a sad excuse of a girlfriend because I'm always down, but he tells me otherwise. I live in an apartment with my mother, but it is not my home (I really am HOMEless). My job is to help my mother and take care of my sisters (and boyfriend when he needs me). And I'm only lonely because I let myself be.

Holy shit, I really HAVE fucked up my life...

I'm sorry to anyone reading this who knows me personally. I really am. I have a few more things to say, and then I'm not sure if I'll ever blog again.. Depends how tonight goes :(

First off, to all my girls: You guys are good friends. You always treat me equally, even though I live a low class life and you're all high class girls. I really appreciate it. But... you can stop pretending. You say you're there for me, and that you'll stand by me no matter what, but when are you ever really there? Every time I bring something up that I want to talk about, that I have to talk about, that I NEED to talk about, you turn your heads, ashamed to know me. Thanks for being there guys, but I really needed you for more than being social.

To all my boys: I love you guys. I really do. You always invited me to hang out, even if yous were playing video games and I would end up sitting in the corner laughing, or just watching. But you never failed to invite me. Since the rebound incident, though, none of you have wanted to see me outside of school. And when I went to college, though I was still in town, I only saw you guys when you were on spare. Do you guys even care about me anymore? I mean, you guys don't even invite my boyfriend to do things with you anymore. He's your BEST FUCKING FRIEND! Grow up and move on. I did and so did T. If we can move on, you know, being the catalysts of this bullshit, so can you.

To my family: You guys are loving, caring and you take care of me when I'm sick and when I need to go to the hospital. But when it comes to my personal shit, you know, the shit you guys have nothing to do with? BUTT THE FUCK OUT! I don't care if you want to kill my friend cause he made me cry, and I don't care if you think my boyfriend's a fag. I don't care if you think I'm anorexic and I don't care if you think my boyfriend's overweight. Cause you know what? I love my friends. I love myself. And I love my boyfriend just how he is. SO YOU CAN JUST PISS OFF MOTHERFUCKERS.

To the rest of the world: To the people who do good for others, being slefless, never being selfish? It ain't fucking worth it, cause the rest of the world is just gonna piss in your plate. To the assholes, dickheads, bitches and whores? It's not worth it for you either. You'll end up in jail and when you get out, you'll go back to being the same prick. And this is why life isn't worth it.

And finally, to Chris: I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know if I'll be able to call you. And I don't know if I'll make it through the night if I don't. I love you boy, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You make every moment worth my wile and you brighten my day. I just wish you would take my advice. And I wish I knew how to make you truly happy, but I'm not sure I can do that. I love you.

I just hope you can all forgive me for the stupidity of tonight... Whether it be permanent or not...

I love you all. And in case this is the last time I blog... In case I don't make it... Goodbye.