Puppies Computers Valentine's Day

Whoa. Random ass title there, baha xD So, I got a puppy. Her name is Lexi, she's three months old and likes to eat all my stuf T^T She's unfortunately not house trained. But she's learning that it's more okay to pee and poo on the pee pads then it is to pee in the bathtub and poo on mom's bed xD

She is also an evil spy sent from another dimension. I swear to god, she is!!!! She keeps trying to use my cell as a chew toy and chewed up my computer power cable. She always barks when I'm on the phone and whines at my door when I'm asleep. CAN YOU SAY EVIL?!

And for V-day, I'm doing something special for Chris :) I can post it since he likely won't read it here xD I wrote him a five page list of 100 reasons I love him. Yeah, you heard that right. On top of that? 100 DIFFERENT reasons :) I hope he likes it xD I'll try getting him some chocolate or something too. :)

She's got a love like WHOA ~ ♥

Bored. Music stuck in my head. Things going better :) ♥

Alive

Just letting you all know I'm still here.

Not really sure what got into me the other night, but I do know that a lot of shit has been going on since. I can't control my brain as well anymore. Things are... appearing.

And the urges are back and worse than ever.

*sigh* I need sleep..

Overeasy Eggs And Withdrawals

Why oh why do I let myself get like this? I don't sleep at night, whether I'm sick or not, and then I start thinking about things. Stupid things. Dangerous things. Things I haven't done in a long time. Things that I don't ever want to do again, but things I know I may have to do.

I've made decisions. Sacrifices. Long journeys. All to get to where I am now. But where am I? I'm in the gutter once again. I'm a college drop out. I'm a cutter who can't seem to recover. I'm a suicidal bitch that everyone pretends to like, but nobody really wants to be with. I'm a sad excuse for a girlfriend. I'm homeless. I'm jobless. And I'm lonely.

But this isn't really true, is it? No... I dropped out because I hated my course and I was failing anyways. I can recover, but I can't do it alone (and I have someone helping me). People to like me, and people do want to spend time with me. I'm not a suicidal bitch, I'm just depressed and bitchy (big difference there). I only feel like a sad excuse of a girlfriend because I'm always down, but he tells me otherwise. I live in an apartment with my mother, but it is not my home (I really am HOMEless). My job is to help my mother and take care of my sisters (and boyfriend when he needs me). And I'm only lonely because I let myself be.

Holy shit, I really HAVE fucked up my life...

I'm sorry to anyone reading this who knows me personally. I really am. I have a few more things to say, and then I'm not sure if I'll ever blog again.. Depends how tonight goes :(

First off, to all my girls: You guys are good friends. You always treat me equally, even though I live a low class life and you're all high class girls. I really appreciate it. But... you can stop pretending. You say you're there for me, and that you'll stand by me no matter what, but when are you ever really there? Every time I bring something up that I want to talk about, that I have to talk about, that I NEED to talk about, you turn your heads, ashamed to know me. Thanks for being there guys, but I really needed you for more than being social.

To all my boys: I love you guys. I really do. You always invited me to hang out, even if yous were playing video games and I would end up sitting in the corner laughing, or just watching. But you never failed to invite me. Since the rebound incident, though, none of you have wanted to see me outside of school. And when I went to college, though I was still in town, I only saw you guys when you were on spare. Do you guys even care about me anymore? I mean, you guys don't even invite my boyfriend to do things with you anymore. He's your BEST FUCKING FRIEND! Grow up and move on. I did and so did T. If we can move on, you know, being the catalysts of this bullshit, so can you.

To my family: You guys are loving, caring and you take care of me when I'm sick and when I need to go to the hospital. But when it comes to my personal shit, you know, the shit you guys have nothing to do with? BUTT THE FUCK OUT! I don't care if you want to kill my friend cause he made me cry, and I don't care if you think my boyfriend's a fag. I don't care if you think I'm anorexic and I don't care if you think my boyfriend's overweight. Cause you know what? I love my friends. I love myself. And I love my boyfriend just how he is. SO YOU CAN JUST PISS OFF MOTHERFUCKERS.

To the rest of the world: To the people who do good for others, being slefless, never being selfish? It ain't fucking worth it, cause the rest of the world is just gonna piss in your plate. To the assholes, dickheads, bitches and whores? It's not worth it for you either. You'll end up in jail and when you get out, you'll go back to being the same prick. And this is why life isn't worth it.

And finally, to Chris: I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know if I'll be able to call you. And I don't know if I'll make it through the night if I don't. I love you boy, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You make every moment worth my wile and you brighten my day. I just wish you would take my advice. And I wish I knew how to make you truly happy, but I'm not sure I can do that. I love you.

I just hope you can all forgive me for the stupidity of tonight... Whether it be permanent or not...

I love you all. And in case this is the last time I blog... In case I don't make it... Goodbye.

Long Time No BLog

Hey guys.

It's been a really long time!

I think I'm going to start blogging again :)

So, updates!

Christmas is coming :)

I have Christian's presents ;)

It's driving him nuts to know I have them and not know what they are ^^

I also got Keegan, Connor, Kendra, Bronwyn and Sam's gifts :)

Exciting ^^

And it's been almost 10 months for me and the boy toy <3

Also, I've dropped out of college :S

Unexpected?

Yepp.

Well, I'm out for today ^^

Peace out, boys n girls!

Creepy + Pasta: Majora

Creepy + Pasta: Majora: "I recently moved into my dorm room starting as a Sophomore in college and a friend of mine gave me his old Nintendo 64 to play. I was stoked..."

Starting College

I guess that the simplest thing to say is that I started college.

But I have made one solemn realization so far.

I may be one of the only students in the entire school fully dedicated to, well, school.

It makes me really sad.

And, also, I think I just may be the youngest girl in the school.

No, scratch that.

I think Arianne's younger than me >_>

Someone get me out of this mess?

Please?

I don't want to spend my year as an outcast...

Especially not if I'm outcast by the outcasts

Nuts About You

So, I'm officially crazy...

About someone :P

I've been spending almost every waking minute with Christian.

And I'm so in love with him...

C:

And he finally told me that he loves me.

He even wrote me a letter!

I cry every time I read it...

Call me a nerd, I don't care.

Ugh.

Watching a movie in English class..

Have to go...

Shit -_-

Bye for now C:

Mental Illness

I swear to god...

If I read one more article about how teens who don't act like all the others are mentally ill...

I will smack someone.

If I read one more time that the most common mental illness in teens is depression...

I will smack someone.

If ONE MORE SITE tells me that sexual and physical abuse is an ILLNESS...

I'm gonna flip my shit.

I mean SERIOUSLY?!

Do they not know what they're talking about????

I'll update and tell you some of the things they're now classifying under mental illness...

IT'S SO STUPID! WAKE UP! NOT EVERYTHING'S AN ILLNESS!

Bored In French

Mkay, so I'm actually pretty sick today and it sucks... *sadface*



Aaaaanyways.



Mme Gauthier sent us to the centre to work on our critique..



It's me and Jeremy and Steph from our class.



What are we doing?



Everything BUT our critique xD



God, I LOOOOOOVE slack teachers who don't give a shit.



She actually treats us like college students.



Well, for the most part anyways.



It's not like we can answer our phones in class or anything, but you know.



Soo...



Yeaah :)



I'm really not in the mood to be here right now D:



Can you tell?



Sooo...



Chris finally said it yesterday :)



YAY!!!!!!!



Okay, I'm done for today...



Bye for now :)

The Buried Truth

So, the night it happened, I was standing at a bus stop on Fourth Street, coming back from an audition for the LTG (in which I later got the part, but resigned because of family trauma), when a slightly older guy approached me. I don't really remember his face, all I remember is that he was white and probably in his early to mid-twenties.

The first thing I remember noticing about him was that he had one hand in his jacket at an odd angle. Well, my first thought was that he was hiding something right? Definitely right. He came up to me with the cover of asking me for a smoke, which I obviuosly didn't have. But when he got closer, the smile on his face disappeared completely and I noticed what he had in hisI noticed what he had in his jacket and froze.

He had a gun in his hand and I panicked, thinking I was going to die. He told me to follow him or he'd shoot me, then made me walk in front of him to a side road. When we got there, we turned onto a small path, where there were two other guys, both white, if memory serves me correctly. I can't remember either of their faces.

They made me walk for another good half hour, further into a maze of side roads I'd never seen and took me off road into the bush... That's where it happened. About ten-fifteen minutes into the bush, I think, small clearing surrounded by birch trees.

They tied up my hands and gagged me... They made me watch as they undressed. I couldn't stop crying... They each took their turn messing with me, "teasing me", trying to turn me on. I just tried to scream through the gag. The louder I screamed, the louder they laughed.

Finally, one of them got fed up and kicked me in the gut. The other two followed suit.One of them kicked me in the face, leaving a nice bruise that was clearly visible, something I had to figure out a story for hours afterwards. Told my mom I tripped and smashed my face into the sidewalk. Remember that part I got with the LTG? Yeah. I'm a good actress when the need arises.. She bought it.. Then I went and cried into my pillow for four hours..

They took their turns... One at a time, stealing another little piece of the innocence I had left... then they thought it would be fun if they all traumatized me at the same time. Then, when they were all done and satisfied, god knows how long they took, they dressed themselves back up and left me bloody and beaten, with my hands tied and my mouth gagged, blood still leaking from my mouth and down my legs... I don't know how long I layed there...

But when I managed to get the ties off, I blacked out. The next thing I remember is getting to the transit terminal.I don't think anyone saw me run into the bathroom. But I cleaned up and threw out my bloody clothes, but my uniform back on and walked out like nothing happened, then took my bus home. I was home three hours late. My explanation? The auditions ran late.

They believed me and the truth has stayed buried.

Until now.

Almost Done

I'm almost done high school.

I graduate this June.

Graduation is June 10th.

Prom is June 11th.

I refuse to do grad parties.

Can you say excited?

Ooooooh yeah!

Movie Night

Well, tonight, I watched The Box and The Fourth Kind with Dad and Sam.

I am now obssessed with abduction theories.

Yeah, that might sound totally crazy to you, but I think it's....

Intriguing?

I'm not honestly sure how else to put it.

But I believe Dr. Abigail Emily Tyler's testimony.

I believe every word of what she has said about abduction.

And I believe that they took her daughter.

And I believe that they took her daughter.

And several other of the untraceable missing children too.

I just hope that one day, we can find out what they want with us and why they're here.

Goodbye, Cruel World!

Good morning, folks.

Not too sure why I'm writing today.

Guess it's just cause I'm stuck here in English class, bored out of my mind.

I got a new book idea :)

I'm not gonna say it on here cause I don't want my idea to be stolen.

Well, it's something fairly common story-wise, but still.

I can tell you what kind of story it is!

It's a murder mystery.

I'm going to have fun with it :)

But I'm not gonna say any more than that, so you don't try and swipe it :)

Sooooo, what's new with Kass?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell...

Uhm...

Nothing really :P

Well, me and Chris are doing good.

OH!

I got into Collège Boréal!

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo proud!

Happy me ^-^

I've been thinking I make my posts too long O.O

Feedback on my stories and poems, please?

Would be nice.

Kay, thanks :)

Bye for now ^-^

Confession

So I admitted something today.

I told Chris how I feel.

He just gave me that look.

I felt my heart skip a beat.

Wow.

What a night...

Maybe this isn't the world I was supposed to be born in. Maybe this isn't what God wanted for me. But it's what I got. Every morning I wonder if maybe I was meant to be more than what I am: a sick child.

Since I was little, mom's had to work twice as hard as the other single moms. The only difference was that she was raising half the children they were; there was just me. You see, I have acute leukemia. I've been sick since I was ten.

My mom would have made a designer baby to help save me, but it was too late by the time they found out. Dad was in a coma and still is. I'm seventeen now and I still live at the hospital part time. The nurses on the oncology floor all know me by name, as well as the doctors and cleaning staff. They always had a warm smile for me, and I usually have one for them.

But today, I came in with no smile. It was my last appointment with my doctor and I was more nervous than ever. Today would decide if I was still eligible for treatment, or if my fate was sealed. Me and my mother were hoping for different outcomes.

---------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm sorry, but, the fight's over." The doctor's words rang in my mind as my mother quietly sobbed. The doctor gave me a knowing look and, smiling, nodded.

This is where most seventeen year old girls would scream and cry that their life was too short. But I have accepted what is to happen to me. I'm tired of fighting. That's why today, as I feel death breathing down my neck, his cool hand reaching for mine, I write you this. Because I want you to know that being strong doesn't just mean fighting, sometimes it means resigning. And I want you to always remember something.

I love you.





Author's note: This is in no way based on reality. This is a fictitious character and this letter was written with the sole intent of conveying a lovely message; that true strength can be found in the most mysterious of places.

~KD

This Is Dyslexia

Dyslexia.

Dyslexia.

Teh monster that riuned my life.

The monster that ruined my life.

Can you see wyh he haunts me?

Can you see why he haunts me?

I can't stnad seeing my wordl in bits.

I can't stand seeing my world in bits.

Sometiems, I see things straihgt.

Sometimes, I see things straight.

But most of the tiem, everything is backawrds.

But most of the time, everything is backwards.

There are times wores than otehrs.

There are times worse than others.

Sometimse it's evrey wrod.

Sometimes it's every word.

Sometimes I get a whloe clean senetnce.

Sometimes I get a whole clean sentence.

Btu mostly, it's all gibberihs.

But mostly, it's all gibberish.

I wish I could raed normally.

I wish I could read normally.

Then I cuold really be an author.

Then I could really be an author

I would notiec my little typos.

I would notice my little typos.

Adn things would maek more senes.

And things would make more sense.

Now yuo see how it feesl.

Now you see how it feels.

To see everythign backwards.

To see everything backwards.

To read evertyhing wrnog.

To read everything wrong.

To be huimliatde in front of a clsas.

To be humiliated in front of a class.

To not reailze that yuo wrote it rihgt the frist time.

To not realize that you wrote it right the first time.

Weclome to how I reda.

Welcome to how I read.

~The~Four~Seasons~

Every morning, they walked the same path and followed the same routines as every other student, but something about them was different. There were only four of them, but there was something about each one that made them different from us.

The first was subtle. She had long, flowing, chestnut hair with natural hints of hazelnut. Her skin was bronze, but she never tanned or paled. Her eyes were a deep brown and she had sharp features. She always wore summer clothes, no matter the weather.

The second was bolder in appearance. She had bright red hair with bold blonde bangs. Her eyes were a bright hazel, like the dying leaves of fall. Her clothes were loose and always warm. She was never seen without a fall jacket.

The third was small and frail, like a snowflake. She was pale and her skin was always cool to the touch. She had blue eyes so pale they were almost grey and platinum blonde hair. She always dressed warmly since her body retained little heat. Her winter coat was always nearby.

The last was not so frail and looked healthier. Her cheeks were rosy and round. Her hair was a pale brown with blond highlights; her eyes were a dazzling emerald, like the leaves in the spring. She always wore pastel colours, like the blooming flowers of spring.

They were one of the oddest groups of friends, but they completed each other in a way.

They were exactly like the four seasons, so different, but so dependant on one another.

WhispersAndVoices

They're so mean to each other!

People in my English class I mean.

Now I know why I was pré-universitaire my whole life!

I take the first pré-collégiale class of my life in twelfth grade and I'm ready to snap someone's neck already.

They're so immature.

Sometimes I wonder how I fit in so well with them.

It's sad to realize, but I know why I fit in.

Because deep down, I'm exactly like them.

I have the learning capacity to go further.

I don't have the drive or the ability to go further.

The only thing I'd be any good at would be planning things.

I'm a master at coming up with ingenious plans to hurt someone.

I'd never EVER go through with them.

I don't have the ability.

I care too much.

Maybe, if there was a way, I could detach myself.

Become hard on the inside.

Maybe I could be more like the people we see on TV.

The ones who have an outer shell to protect them from everything.

But I guess I do have that.

I put up walls so people can't get in.

And when I let them in, when I put the walls down...

I just end up getting hurt anyways.

So I'm gonna leave my walls up.

I don't want them in here anymore.

I don't want you in here anymore.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!

*breaks down*

StoryOfABitchyEx

Is that all people care about these days?

Listen to music or watch a movie rather than bitching about people on Facebook.

I don't care about how I'm dating your ex.

I don't care that this dog tag was worn by you too.

You know what?

I even chew on it the same way you did!

Do I look like I care?!

Nope.

I don't give a flying fuck.

So why do you?

I think I know why.

Are you jealous that I have him?

Jealous that I actually know how to treat him right?

Jealous that I actually know him?

Jealous that you'll never have something this good?

Good for you.

Maybe now you'll learn how to treat someone right.

Maybe you'll give up your internet boyfriends.

Maybe you'll stop bitching about me.

Maybe you'll realize that you're a bitch and you need to get a life.

But I doubt it.

Because you're just like all those other girls.

You're a shallow bitch who only wants to do what YOU want to do.

You don't care about anyone else.

But deep down, you care what they think.

You want them to like you.

You're insecure.

So, really, me and you are really alike.

We're not comfortable in our own skin, so we find ways to make people like us.

You're a manipulative bitch.

I'm sweet and charming.

At least, that's what they tell me.

We both want to be liked because we can't even like ourselves.

Or maybe not.

Maybe you do like yourself.

Maybe you like yourself so much that you don't care if the rest of the world likes you.

Well, I do care.

Because I want a real relationship!

Real friends!

I don't want people who will turn their backs on me when I need them most.

I want people who will stand with me.

And you're not one of them.

So I have one simple message for you after all this bitching.

STOP THE DRAMA, BITCH!

?Newness?

What's new with me?


Let's see...

I'm sitting in French class, so bored out of my skull that I just finished filling out a 45 minute survey.

How's that for new?

Nah.

That's just news.

Hmm.

Oh!

I might be going to my uncle Jean-Guy's for two days during the March Break, if their basement is fixed from the flood...

And I might be having a party during the March Break too :)

Should be fun...

Jenna and Jeremy are playing solitaire on Jeremy's computer next to me.

Jeremy says hi everyone :3

And now Jenna is trying to close his laptop xD

Aaaaaaaaand I have to go now....

Bye :3 xD

BeautifulThoughts

Good morning.

This is your conscious speaking.

You're going to be miserable today.

And guess what?

You're going to go insane today.

I'm losing my mind.

Can this all be real?

It can't.

Maybe I'll get used to it.

Doubt it.

Hours fly by.

Good night.

!?ThingsYouMightNotKnow?!

1. I'm a natural brunette :3

2. I moved into town for the first time at 16

3. I'm a Chemistry nerd

4. I like to sketch... A LOT!

5. I'm absolutely in love with Gerard Butler

6. I'm dating Christian Fasciano

7. I hate surprises...

8. ...and presents

10. I have one sister, two half brothers, two half sisters, two step sisters and a step brother :3

11. I suffer from... a lot xD

12. World History is one of my favourite subjects, even if I didn't take the class

13. The history or religions and how they came to be fascinates me

14. I prefer hanging out with guys

15. I hate hanging out with girls most of the time

16. I hate girls who cause drama

17. I'm a procrastinator xD

18. I refuse to use handwriting, I like to print :3

19. I'm obssessed with poetry

20. I like using big words that confuse people

21. Actually, I like to confuse people

22. My favourite book series is, to this day, Harry Potter :3

23. I wanted to marry Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) Throughout elementary and early high school xD

24. I've only ever had three dogs

25. I've had a tarantula, exotic fish, budgies and an iguana, some at the same time

26. I think pugs are cute

27. I am really bored in English right now xD

28. I'm supposed to be reasearching Facebook (How I do that without having access to Facebook, I have NO idea!)

29. I have an obssession with the number 23...

30. ...and with counting

31. I tend to drag things on (in case you haven't notice :P)

32. I'm going to end up being a crazy cat lady...

33. ...or in Kirkwood Hospital again ._.

34. Oh yeah, I'm clinically insane

35. My favourite pet was my dog Tia

36. I love the fall

37. My favourite colour is YELLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

38. I like bright colours

39. My best friends are all guys...

40. ...and Jen

41. I exaggerate sometimes...

42. There are days when I literally scare myself

43. I have a fear of the world outside my room

44. I hate taking medication

45. I don't like odd numbers

46. I somehow enjoy Biology :3 (46 is the number of chromosomes in each DNA strand :3)

47. I'm a good shot with a bow and arrow

48. I like to wear bows in my hair

49. My least favourite colour is brown

50. I hate being wrong...

51. ...but I'll accept it if you can prove I am

52. I love hugs and cuddles

53. I have seen P.S. I love you over a hundred times (literally, I can quote the movie word for word, Irish accent and all!)

54. I think I'm underweight O_o

55. I'm not as self conscious as I sometimes seem

Yeaa... I think I'll stop now :P

Hope you enjoy learning little things about me that you prooooobably already know xD

Oops :P

Well, anyways, hope you learned something today.

I know I did :3

Never EVER give me a computer without Facebook or deviantART on it when I'm bored xD

It's dangerous for blog followers :P

Any stalkers reading this, you're welcome XD

Pretty sure I don't have a stalker O.O

Okay, I'm rambling....

Bye! ^-^

~Changing~Times~

So it's over between me and Derrick.

It's official.

I won't be getting him back.

So I have to move on.

I don't know how to explain it, but...

I guess my heart's on the rebound...

And I'm starting to have feelings for Jaz.

Are they real?

I'm not sure.

I'm taking the time to heal before I do anything.

He knows, of course.

I can't not tell him. :/

It's just the way I am.

Shit.

Now I'm starting to hate myself.

Why?

Not a fucking clue.

Kill me, please?

Now?

Later?

Never?

Fine.

For A Celestial Daughter - From Alex R.

The wind once showed me,

A miracle I had barely seen,

A being of mirth and laughter,

A joyous woman, a celestial daughter.

So bright her eyes,

That the beasts, cloaked in night,

Shed their dusguise,

And emerged to greet this new sun.

Yet so strange it seemed,

Surely being, more than human,

This, I must believe,

For the sun still lay in sleep.

What deity must this be,

I could not conceive,

For she could reach into the heavens,

And the stars, with her hand retrieve.

What goddess could stand before me,

That with but a look and a wave of hand,

Cause ripples in the sky,

Like an oar in the sea?

Oh, then I stood awed,

When she took upon the night sky,

Pulled like a fisherman's trawl,

And placed it on her shoulders, in a manner of shawl.

Echoed then a laugh,

But never a word,

Yet the sentiment, so strong and pure,

Was clearly heard.

And then she told me,

That this goddess, this jewel,

Was not celestial, simply human.

Could it be?

Surely I must be in the embrace of death,

Surely my sight could not be well,

For such a stark contrast to her surroundings,

I must be looking upon heaven, from the depths of hell.

Yet,

Even if this would be true.

That damnation I would not fear,

After a single glimpse of you...

A celestial daughter.

Oh, Sweet Insanity

Oh, Insanity
Please let me be
You stole the girl
That should be me

You make me think
Such wicked thoughts
In this false world
I am now caught

When I get angry
I yank out hair
When I yell and scream
Nothing more than despair

My eyes are filled
With a wild fire
I must not fulfill
This wretched desire!

My nails leave gouges
Deep in my skin
In this lifelong battle
I can never win

I close my eyes
To this new world
And in my mind
I see a girl

She has brown hair
And pale blue eyes
She once was me
But now she cries

I try to touch her
But she backs away
She starts to yell
No, not today!

I open my eyes
This can't be the end!
With no more home
And no more friends

I hold myself
As I rock slowly
Leave me alone
Oh, sweet Insanity!

LosingMyGrip

I open my eyes and look out the window. Morning already. It's hard to get up again. I didn't sleep last night. Mother is at the door, checking to see if I'm up. I call out to her. Yes, I'm awake. Yes, I'm going to school. She goes away. I sit up and find myself not looking in my room, but in a dark place. I see no light. I see no escape. I stand up and my bed vanishes. I look about. I'm not alone. A woman stands not two feet from me. She has a nice smile on her face and extends her hand to me. I walk forward a little and reach out. She snatches my arm and violently ulls me into her grip. I feel her nails dig into me. I feel her teeth ripping away the flesh in my shoulder. The blood flows down my arms and I scream and scream for help. The woman drops me and pulls a knife from somewhere I cannot see. I turn to look at her and her faces is contorted. Her eyes are wild and crazed and her mouth is spread in a sharp-teethed grin. Her fingers are no longer long and slender, but scrawny and bloody, as if she had scraped at bricks. But the skin on her body was rotting before my eyes. She reached forward with the knife. I expect pain at any moment. But it doesn't come. I watch as she stares into my eyes, slitting her own throat open. The maniacal laugh escaping as she does so makes me scream. It is at this moment that I recognize her. My step mother. She died six years ago, and yet she stands in front of me, crazed, slashing herself open and reaching towards me with the knife. I scream as I feel the blade make contact with my neck and close my eyes. When I open them, I am on my bedroom floor, untouched, one hand with a lock of recently yanked out hair in it and the other digging my nails into my side. It never happened. Am I losing it?

~Slowly~Slipping~Away~

Am I losing my mind?

I really don't know.

I'm going to see my doctor soon.

Maybe he'll make me stay in the Algoma for a bit.

Maybe he'll brush it all off at nothing.

Or maybe he'll see there's something.

I really don't know.

But I know there's something wrong with me.

It's not depression.

It can't be.

I'm on antidepressants.

Clinical depression is impossible at this point.

Maybe I have BPD?

Or maybe I'm bipolar?

Maybe I have PTSD?

Who knows.

Maybe I'm just delusional.

Maybe I'm suffering from derealization.

Or maybe I've become manic.

I'm afraid to talk to someone.

But I have to.

Or I'm going to lose my family.

And my friends.

And most of all...

I'd lose Derrick.

And I can't lose Derrick right now.

I need him as much as ever.

So I'm getting help.

Even if that means I need to go away for a while.

Derrick already said he'd visit me.

And so did Tony.

I have great people standing beside me to help me get better.

And I will get better!

=]

!SeventeenAtLast!

Finally turned seventeen!

Had a pretty good birthday...

Spent it at Jordy's place.

Eric got totally plastered.

Jordy was drunk when we got there.

I think him and Danika had a fight after we went to bed.

Max showed up and was already gone.

I basically just chilled all night.

Derrick had like a beer and a half.

All in all, it was a good night.

If only every birthday could go so well.

If only I knew if I would make it to another birthday.

Because you never know what life throws at you.

I could be dead tomorrow.

Or I could live another twenty years...

Sick

Been sick for a while now.

Stupid medication.

Slept most of the day.

So tired.

Oh well.

Time to get some rest again.

Goodnight, yet again.

The Past Weekend

Just got back from an extremely long weekend.

Friday night, got high at Mel's place.

Ran out.

Took a bus to Lively from Copper Cliff.

Got more.

Missed the last bus back.

Walked three hours.

Got baked.

Fell asleep.

Wake up.

Got baked.

Went to Derrick's house.

Spent the night playing video games and watching Harry Potter.

Wake up.

Lots of teasing.

Food.

More teasing.

Food.

Home.

Bed.

Wake up.

Come to Chemmy.

Go back to Sudbury for shopping.

Back to Chemmy to visit Amanda.

Receive black electric guitar.

Go to Timmies.

Come back.

Go to Dad'S for the night.

Home At Last

Just got back from a two week stay in St-Charles.

Missing Derrick a lot.

Haven't talked to him since they dropped me off yesterday.

If he doesn't call or go on this week, I know why.

His favourite cousin is in town.

His cousin Izzy.

Who lives in Pensylvania (excuse the spelling).

So when they come down for the family reunion...

Derrick stays with them at their cabin.

Where I don't think they have a phone.

Or Internet.

And I don't blame him for not calling me.

If he ever calls me again.

But he will.

I keep telling him that if he doesn't want me around anymore....

He just has to say so and I'll leave him alone.

But he just keeps loving me and wants me around.

And I realized something over the last two weeks...

Now, more than ever...

I don't think I can let him go.

He's becoming too much a part of my life.

And I'm completely in love with him.

But anyways.

I'm calling tomorrow to see if he's gone to stay with his cousins.

Or if his mom just thought he needed a break from me for a bit.

I'm thinking the first option.

Because he'd probably try and call me once she was in bed.

But either way, I know he has good reason not to call.

But I really miss him already.

And I miss the sound of his voice.

I love you, Derrick.

-She-Is-Okay-

I opened my eyes and sat up. I was in a white space that seemed to be composed of purely light. I got out of my bed, also completely white, and walked slowly towards what looked like the faint outline of a door in the walls of light. As I got closer, I could see that it was a door, with a small gold handle. I reached out and turned the handle. The door opened to what seemed like more white light at first, but slowly faded into a small orchard.

I walked around, unsure of where I really was, and found that I was not alone in this mysterious place. There was a little girl with pale brown hair picking flowers beneath a tree. She was standing near a ravine. She was wearing a white dress with a blue ribbon tied around her waist. She wore shoes as white as her dress and they somehow remained untouched by the grass. She seemed to be about eight, not very tall, and not very big either. She turned her head enough for me to catch sight of a tiger lily clipping the hair back on one side of her head.

She must have caught sight of me because she straightened up and turned to face me. I was shocked when I saw her face. She looked like a younger version of me, but with his dark green eyes. She smiled an innocent young smile, but her eyes were filled with wisdom. She walked towards me and handed me the bouquet of flowers she had picked. Looking down at them, I realized that it was an assortment of differently coloured lilies. I took them thankfully.

"How did you know they're my favourite flowers?" I asked the mysterious girl. She looked back at the tree. I followed her gaze. It's branches were filled with sakuras in full bloom and I was filled with awe. "This place is beautiful. How did you find this place?"

"I was sent here." Her voice had a slight bell tone to it. It was beautiful, just like her. "This is how I pictured heaven. Everyone has their own belief. This is mine, so this is where I'm sent. Why are you here?"

"Because I need to be. I lost someone dear to me." I felt tears trickling down my cheeks. "I miss her."

"She's closer to you than you think, you know." She smiled at me again, taking the lily out of her hair and handing it to me. "She's been keeping an eye on you. She misses you. She really wishes it wouldn't have happened, but it was the only way."

"How could you possibly understand?" I asked, the realization slowly forming in my mind. "How?"

"There was no other way. God told me so. If you would have met her, she would have died soon anyways." She came closer to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I felt a rush of love pull at my heart. "But the sickness is gone now, Mommy. I'm okay now, God took care of me. Tell Daddy I'm okay."

"Oh my God." I placed my hands on her hair on the sides of her head. I realized now why I was here. "Lily."

"I have to go now, Mommy. God said I could only see you for a minute." She smiled and leaned over to give me a hug. The tears welled in my eyes as I held her close for the first and last time. "I love you. Tell Daddy I love him too. Goodbye."

She started to fade along with the orchard as I leaned over and pressed a kiss to her forehead. I pulled back and she smiled at me one more time. That smile would be forever imprinted in my brain.

"Goodbye, Lily. I love you." Then she was gone.

And I woke up with my face on the table, still sitting in a chair, my computer screen still on Microsoft Word. And on the screen, there was a message.

It said "I love you, Mommy and Daddy."

ag-o-ra-pho-bi-a [ag-er-uh-foh-bee-uh]

An abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.

Symptoms?

Fear of being alone.

Fear of losing control in a public place.

Fear of being in places where escape might be difficult.

Becoming housebound for prolonged periods of time.

Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others.

Feelings of helplessness.

Dependence on others.

Feeling that the body is unreal.

Feeling that the environnment is unreal.

How do I feel about this?

Panicked.

Afraid.

Worried.

Anxious.

Happy that I'm seeing my doctor.

Wow, this was a rough day!

...Anorexia...

I don't want to eat.

But if I don't...

I will starve.

I don't want to be big.

But I'm not.

I'm average.

Smaller than average.

And I am beautiful.

I will always be beautiful.

~Hurting~Inside~

I tried to be strong.

But for all the wrong reasons.

I tried to be strong for him.

For my baby.

For my family.

For my friends.

But those are all the wrong reasons.

I should br strong for love.

And for me.

There is nothing more important right now than fighting this.

And I did fight last night.

I cut.

But before I went too deep, I stopped and I thought...

"Why am I doing this?"

I know I'm better than that.

And I will be better than that.

For the rest of my life.

I'll be better.

And I'll be stronger.

And I'll fight to keep what's mine.

My family.

My friends.

My life.

But most importantly...

Derrick.

The biggest part of my life right now.

I love you.

And I promise...

I'll never pick up another blade.

NEVER.

.L.o.v.e.A.n.d.L.o.s.s.

I'm going to go crazy.

My baby died today.

I was pregnant.

A month in.

And she died.

Why?

Apparently a bad combination of stress and physical exertion.

Not surprising.

But my little Lily...

Lillian Therrien...

My baby...

She's gone.

I'll be crying all night.

That's a promise...

I miss her already.

I know Derrick misses her.

I know he can hold it in though.

I don't know why...

But I think I would probably feel better if he cried.

Even just a little.

Then I would know...

That it hurts him as much as it hurts me.

To know that what we created is gone.

That what we loved unconditionally died.

That it isn't coming back.

I love you, my little Lily. -broken heart-

"Sometimes, God give us gifts...
They are all special...
They are what we call children.
But sometimes, they are hurt deep down...
And God has to take them back to make it all better."
-A quote for my Lily -heart-

~First~Times~

I'm not sure if it's just me.

Or if it happens like that for everyone.

Does everyone bleed?

Does it hurt so bad for everyone?

But, then again, is it so...

Amazing for everyone?

I don't think so.

Because for everyone else...

They might pick a different situation.

A different time...

And place...

And reason...

So basically, all those things and much much more influences how it felt.

But you know what I think the biggest thing was?

It was him.

How gentle he was...

How sweet...

Considerate...

Worried about me...

And admittedly nervous about it.

But the most amazing thing...

I don't regret it for a second.

Not even the slightest bit.

I don't regret lying to my mother.

I do feel kind of bad for having him lie to his.

I don't regret taking a walk that night.

I don't regret sleeping in the same bed.

I don't regret my shower the next morning.

Ok, wait,

Yes, I do regret my shower.

Because it was alone.

Haha.

There is just one thing I regret though...

Not being able to do everything he wants me to do.

I mean, I can...

I just...

It would be digging up old memories...

And I don't want to bring those two boys back into my life at this point.

But there is one thing I realized this week.

If I don't end up with Derrick in the future...

I think I just might die.

But I was right.

It did hurt.

I figured it would.

Only for a moment though.

And I don't think I'm pregnant.

Well, I'm worried.

But probably for nothing.

Ohwell.

I'll be okay.

And I guess we didn't make it to six months.

Not even close.

Ohwell, eh?

Nobody else likes it, too bad.

It's not their relationship.

I'm happy we did.

Because now I know that things aren't awkward.

Things won't change.

And we're going to make it through this, the same way we make it through everything else.

Just like everyone else.

We're going to beat the odds.

We will stay together.

Even after high school.

And college.

We're going to beat the odds.

I'm sure of it.

And it's all thanks to him.

Because of he weren't who he is...

It would never last.

Love you, Derrick.

Such A Long Time

I can't believe it's already been so long.

Five months.

Wooowwwww.

It feels like less than that.

Almost like we started dating just yesterday.

And amazingly...

I'm still madly in love with him.

Even with everything we go through.

Even with all the things I tried to hide.

Even once he knew about those things.

And now, after Friday night, things are even more... intimate.

And they just seem to be getting more and more so.

But I have my period this week.

Great.

Ohwell, at least I get to spend next weekend with him.

The whole weekend, from Friday night to Monday morning.

Ugh.

Mudruns.

I'm terrified of getting mud in places i don't want it to be.

I can barely sleep anymore.

I'm so tired though.

After Friday I just can't seem to calm down enough to sleep.

And when I wake up, I can't seem to keep my eyes open.

And when I close my eyes, all I can see...

Is him.

I love him so much.

Maybe one day, we'll be able to live together...

Get married...

Have kids...

But I'm ahead of myself.

We aren't even done school yet.

Maybe once we're in college.

Or grown up.

Older.

Then we can live happily together.

And stay together.

And hopefully die happily together.

A little morbid, but still.

If I had to die to save him...

I would do it without a moment's hesitation.

And part of me hopes he wouldn't do the same.

And I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want me to...

He would probably tell me to live...

But I would do it anyways.

Just to save him.

Because who knows?

Maybe he would thank me for it later on in his life.

But this is a message just for him.

If anything ever happens to me...

Keep living.

I don't want you to let yourself die inside because of me.

I love you so much, Derrick.

Don't ever let this love end.

-heart-

?What's?Wrong?With?Me?

So...

I'm not sure what to do anymore...

I want to do it but...

I'm scared.

Of what will happen.

What could happen.

Will I get hurt?

Will he get hurt?

will things get awkward?

Will I get pregnant?

God, I'm scared.

Scared of what could happen.

What could go wrong.

What if...

There are so many what ifs...

If something goes wrong?

If things go downhill after...

If it ends?

Please, God, don't let it end.

That's the last thing I need.

-heart-

Rawr.

Rawr.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!!!!

I'm a basket case.

Or a total nut bar.

I'm so tired.

I don't even know why I'm blogging today.

Probably because I have so much pent up energy that I need to just...

Let it out.

I gotta get OUTTA HERE!

Funeral tomorrow...

Menonce Clement died.

:(

It makes me sad cause he was funny.

But I guess everyone has to die.

I miss him n all but oh well.

He's in a better place now..

I hope.

~Jumbled~Thoughts~

Mona Lisa Smile

Van Gogh

Cut Off Ear

Biting Ear

Arousal

Tuesday

My Bloody Valentine

Murder

Our Promise

Prom Night

In Love

Derrick Therrien

Amazing Boyfriend

Sweetheart

Sweet Tarts

Candy

Hyperactivity

Attention Defficit Disorder

Testing

Allergies

Peanut Oil

Cold Sores

Pain

Confusion

The Final Leap

Should We?

Too Fast?

Are we going too fast?

I don't know.

But I don't care.

I like it right where we are.

It's so...

Perfect.

I love him so much.

I'm positive that if he asked me...

I couldn't say no.

And I don't want to say no.

I want that with him.

But not this fast.

Could I honestly keep my promise of not being drunk?

I don't think so.

But I think he can help me with that.

Let's just hope we don't fall apart before that.

Friday Night

If Anne wasn't there...

How far would we have gone?

How far would I have wanted to go?

Probably a hell of a lot farther than we did.

I mean...

If that's even possible...

At this stage in our relationship.

Why did that night end there?

Why did it have to end with the dance?

I wish it didn't.

I wish I could've gone home with him.

I would have been content...

Even having another hour in his arms.

Why is fate so cruel?

Why is she so kind?

<3